peace and love.

So I officially have reached a point of happiness. If anyone of you truly know me, then you know the shitty room situation I've had for awhile now. WELL. After my parents got a divorce, my mom and I moved into my uncles house. We shared a teeny, tiny room for about 5 1/2-6 years. Then we FINALLLLLLY got our own place. An apartment. But still, I didn't have my own space at all. I slept on a couch, and shared a closet, computer, and basically breathing air, with my mother. Welllll things changed two days ago! My mom and I impulsively switched it off. I've been extremely depressed lately, so my Mom was throwin ideas at me, trying to make me happy with one thing or another. She wanted to set up an art studio in the kitchen. Then it was take an art class somewhere. Then it was kickboxing (which we can't find ANYWHERE around here. Then I said why don't you get me a pull out couch so I don't have to sleep on a couch everyday. And she said, "Why don't I just give you the room?" I jumped up and started freaking out, obviously. Hahahaha. So after not having my own space for about 10-10 1/2 years. I now, have it :]] I'm so excited for privacy, and organization, and decoration!!! :]]
Ohkay more fun news. Antoinette and I are much better. It just feels really weird not having her in my life. I can't stand it, apparently neither can she. Which makes me happy. Lol. Cause I'm not alone on this one.
I don't even feel like I'm typing like myself. Whatever.
I'm printing out job applications now. Wana know why? I have a Target, Kohls, JcPenneys, American Eagle, Old Navy, Best Buy, and Sears store credit cards. GASPPP. The Target, Kohls, Old Navy, and American Eagle are the only ones with stuff on them. I should probably go double check my balances. The AE I'm not worried about cause my mom puts 10$ on it every time it needs to be paid, which shes cool with. And my dad told me apparently he will pay off all my other cards. But I'm not sure. I KNOW I will be in debt after Christmas. What to do, what to do.
I need to go eat, clean more, get a shower and get ready. I'm hangin out with Veronica today for the first time in like....FOREVER. Months. Lots of them. Haha. Hopefully Boy will sleepover tonight. I miss him already. jhgdlgljgh<3!

Ohkay so I seriously need to vent.
My 22nd year old best friend is going out with my 17 year old cousin. It used to not bother me in the slightest bit. Probably because I fixed them up. Not thinking OBVIOUSLY. I've lost her. Conor has brain washed her into thinking she needs to be fixed and she doesn't even see it. She was fine. She was fine being MY best friend. Instead now shes YOUR girlfriend. I will resent you for the rest of my life because of a mistake I made. I know its awful to say, but I really don't want you to work out. But yes, I am happy for you. But that little kid inside of me is screaming at the top of her lungs for her playmate back. kjgjkgulgjlgkf..!! And this whole break thing? NO I DON'T AGREE WITH IT. I FEEL LIKE I'M BEING PUT ON TIME OUT. Srsly. Crap!
Tyler is an amazing guy. We've been together for almost 3 months and its really quite refreshing to not feel pressured in a relationship. I went back and read alot of my journal entries before this and how I fell so fast. I think Tyler and I did everything the "right" way. We were friends for awhile before anything happened. I mean I obviously noticed him from the start, seeing as how the first time I was ever over his house he was outside washing his car with his shirt off. GASPPPP. I love his body. Lol. Anyway! We were friends, hung out alot. Me, him, and Caban. Galloway, thoroughly disappointed me, which OF COURSE HE WOULD. So I decided to act on my feelings for Tyler. We kissed, and when people speak of sparks. WOAHHHHHHHH. Major on my end. We knew eachother for like 2 months. Then started getting with eachother for a couple weeks. Then decided to date. You know I really couldn't be happier?
But wait. It gets better.!
I receive texts like, "I'm still in love with you. Please come back to me." When my guys have me, they don't take advantage of the fact that they have me. So when I'm gone, they want me back. Isn't that how it always is? You want what you can't have. I don't care. I'm not cheating on Tyler. The majority of you I have. Wana know why? You either cheated on me first, treated me like crap, or didn't call me for days on end. You know what? Tyler treats me like a queen. I wouldn't have it any other way.
Now if you'll excuse me. I'm going to go back to beating Eternal Sonata. A game we used to play.

tends to send out a better message for the world. if anyone knows this journal. god bless you. this is the only way you will find me. i need to go missing for awhile to find out who i am again. i keep loosing myself. you can tell when i am having a difficult time when i begin to do impulsive things. i.e.-hair dying. my hair is gross and dead and looks like literal shit. but i digress. thats not my issue here. i really dont know how to deal with a few things in my life. not sure what i want to change, but i know i want to change things. i know i need a job, and a car, and i want to go to school. modeling can get me places, but nothing like an education. guns n roses is making me quite happy at the moment. sweet child of mine is my theme song. "where do we go now?" such a line of confusion, yet truth. i talked to spencer until 5am last night and he is amazing. ive never spoken to someone besides my father, with so much wisdom. its also nice to hear someone is as crazy and brilliant as i. i will miss him whenever he leaves. i need to go clean out my life. my room to be exact. all the clutter is contaminating my thought process. food sounds nice too. oh horray the cardigans. "well you get what you give. and hell yes ive lived. but if you live as you learn. i dont think i can learn. oh with the sun in my eyes. suprise, im living a lie. but i dont seem to learn. no i dont think i can learn." good-dayyyyyy.

 gett_itt_mamaz

so im talkin to steve again n he jus said somethin to me n its makin me cry. but not in like a bad way...i guess...i dun kno. heres da convo...

njsciontc: you need to seriously sit down with your life
njsciontc: and be like
njsciontc: this is what i want to do
x3 MaMaz: i kno. its jus like. i dun wana get myself overly excited until after i get my license n a car dat fuckin drives. lol.
x3 MaMaz: i kno i want to go to college in september.
njsciontc: haha yea i heard camaro is a project
x3 MaMaz: im sure u heard dat from josh.
njsciontc: yes ma'am
njsciontc: well you were on the im not talking to you again spree
njsciontc: lol
x3 MaMaz: yah well. i aint gettin into it. n id really rather not talk about him. i cried so hard today i almost threw up n i got all nervous n yah. i wasnt happy. but newayz.
njsciontc: lol you
njsciontc: have issues
njsciontc: not trying to be a dick
njsciontc: we need to get you fixed
x3 MaMaz: no no ur not a dick. i wuz talkin to my mom. lol.
x3 MaMaz: sorry i didnt answer. i wuz sittin on the bed n wuz like....steves callin me. lol. cuz u have ur own ringer. n i kno i need to be fixedd :[[


im fuckin broken. how come da worst thing for me. is wat i want da most. :[[.

(me n josh last october<33333333)

im comin to a lot of crossroads.
im gettin this back.
very, very soon :]

so lets seeeeeee.
im 110 pounds and im not letting myself loose anymore weight. im forcing myself to eat. sometimes i often even gag because of my nerves being so bad. but i dont care. i force it down. i will NOT let myself get sick again like i was before.
im REALLLLLY excited about driving. my daddy lets me drive everywhere. and it got to the point where if i sit in the drivers seat, im like nauseous. LOL. ive drove in circles, teeny tiny lanes on bad highways, in the dark, snow, rain, sleet, right when i first woke up. mwahahahahaha. some of you may think this is not a huge deal. but for me. it is. lol.
so ive started to sign on my old screename that i had when i was going out with josh. "his mamaz x0". i felt the time was right since were "dating" again. :] so to sum it up. i woke up early. ran some errands with my daddy (walmart is officially my FAVORITE place. hahahahah) josh came over around 2:30-3. and he just left at 12:45 :] like what a day we had. :] we played video games. lounged around. went out with my dad to see a place he might rent. got chinese (and yes i tried to eat some and successfully did eat some! :D) and heres the convo i just had with antoinette that pretty much sums up my happiness and ecstaticness. hahahahah. :]

hiS MaMaZ x0: n awe tonite was SO cute
hiS MaMaZ x0: like josh got a phone call n had some drama with him n his friends
hiS MaMaZ x0: so we took a walk
hiS MaMaZ x0: n i let him vent n helped him with advice n such
hiS MaMaZ x0: but then we talked about the first nite we ever met
hiS MaMaZ x0: n we BOTH remembered every minute. every move, what we said, what we wore. it was so cute :]
hiS MaMaZ x0: we were like dancing around in the 25 club parking lot like little kids running around after eachother laughing n reminiscing :]
oh so antoinette: awwwwwww
oh so antoinette: cuteee
hiS MaMaZ x0: eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek! i knooooow :D
hiS MaMaZ x0: n wen he left
hiS MaMaZ x0: he was like...sooo ill seee u....n i was like..hmmm soon? n he goes. hmmmm tomorrow.
hiS MaMaZ x0: :D
hiS MaMaZ x0: lol
oh so antoinette: :]
hiS MaMaZ x0: im like a little kid in a candy store i swear
hiS MaMaZ x0: hahahhaaha
oh so antoinette: lolllz

like lord knows, i really am. lol. im always so happy when im with him! :D so let see more good news. hmmmm. ooooh! antoinette is moving like down the street from my house on july 1st. im SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited. by then i will have my license. i will see her and josh like 24/7/365 hahhahahahah. so how many of you readers can tell how giddy i truly am?! HA. you have NOOOO idea. i need to get to bed. lol.


P.S. - STILL GOIN STRONG ON QUITTTTTTING SMOKING :D

so this will now better explain everything to everyone.

i hope to see an eating disorder specialist soon. i cant really bear this anymore.

Emetophobia
[ From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia ]


Emetophobia is the irrational fear of vomiting, being around others who are vomiting, and/or the vomit itself.

In worst case scenarios, people with the phobia tend to avoid eating out, socializing and going to parties. They may hardly eat at all and that's why many are often diagnosed as anorexic, but not bulimic as this illness involves the induction of vomiting. Emetophobics will go to extraordinary lengths to avoid becoming violently sick ("vomit continence," Nicolette Heaton-Harris & Linda Dean (2007), Emetophobia, ISBN 1843105365, p. 20), or seeing someone else becoming sick. 

i hope everyone better understands it now. idk. i feel like a freak sometimes. but apparently there are other people out there that feel the same way i do. =\
 

so im sitting here eating my veggie stix. i loveee them! :)

im pushing myself to eat more today. its hard but im going fairly good today. i had some mac n cheese. icecream. a yogurt. and now im eating these veggie stix.

i took a benedryl and my world is spinning. lol. i hate having to take shit for my unbearable allergies. lol.

i have a job interview on wednesday for macy's! very excited :)

my car is going good. im still glowing since i got to drive her.

my dads on his way up here. hopefully ill stop being so drowsy and take my dads car for a driveeeeee.

uhm yah. my head is in the clothes. tooooodles! lolllll.

as much as id like to say i just dont care anymore. its obvious i really do.

josh came over tonight and he always makes things all better. maybe thats why im so in love with him. fuckkkkkkkkkkkkk.

i quit smoking. day 2. im doing good. no mess ups yet.

i didnt start my car at all today. very strange considering all ive been doing is sitting in her for hours smoking cigarette after cigarette listening to the songs i have downloaded on my phone.
loser much? pretty much. but i enjoy it.

i think since i stopped smoking it feels weird just going to sit in my car. like i dont have a purpose to. but i do. i sit and i stare at the cars going by, and the people, and the sky. its rather relaxing. and oh how i love to revvvvvvvv her up! :)

im looking for job tomorrow. i want to either work at joyce leslie or macy's. i shop there the most. or maybe wet seal. hm. just pay me in clothes! no paycheck, please! hahahahaha.

my family says my haircut makes me look like cher. cute. ha.

i need to get to bed considering i enjoy waking up between 7-8 every morning now. get up with the sun, go to sleep with the sun, or not go to sleep at all.

night!

so whatchuknowaboutbeingafuckingloser.

im exhuasted. i woke up at 7:30 this morning! im insane and i keep eating tons of candy. oh and my last entry about my problems. fuck anyone and everyone who posted an obnoxious comment. thats why i screen them, loves. and for anyone who actually wants to understand it. feel free to hangout with me one day. im alwayssssssssssss free.

im a loser with no life and im really beginning to enjoy and take life by the horns! my daddy got sick of me nagging him today and let me drive me babygirl!!! :D. Rosa is ALLLLL over the road. hahahah. you could turn her steering wheel and unless you fucking yank it she doesnt go ANYWHERE. i love her tho. :)


ME DRIVING ROSAAAAAAAAAA!! ;)

oh and my mom gave me the keys to her car tonight and let me fucking drive it without her! HOW WEIRD. i love her so much for trusting me to take her beloved car out. hahahahaha.

im sick of loosing weight. oh well! thats life right?!?!?! ill shove some more junior mints in my mouth.

wtf im so delirious.

so josh says were "grown up dating". thats funny! i havent heard from him today yet.

i quit smoking again. im trying to go strong. its so hard, but i have the will power. i havent had a cigggggggy allll day.


good fucking night ladies and germsssssssssssssss.

so i need a name for my babygirl.
any suggestions? :D


<3!


ive never seen myself so happy. lollllllllll.

so all the bad shit that has been happening to me. it seems like its all getting a little bit better. so lets see.
i just woke up from like a 3 hour nap. haaaa. =)
my hair turned out amazzzzzzzing.

i still want to get the length cut and put some layers in. but i really enjoy the job i did on my bangs =D
im getting an 83 camaro as well! it was 1500 bucks and we talked him down to 800! =D my dad and i are going to work on it. its really going to give us a chance to bond. it makes me SO happy. im getting the puppy sometime this week! =D it needs some work, but it runs either way. it really just neeeeeds new shocks. were going to put alot of time, money, and effort into this and over time its going to look AMAZINGGGGGG<333 im overly excited and i love it!!! hahahaha. =D
last night was the best ever. i have the bitemarks to prove it. LOL. well actually yesterday all together was amazing! i woke up nice and early. around 8. my dad came over at like 10. i spent the day driving allll around in his lexus! =D that was the best. we actually went to go to see the camaro cus he wanted to check it out of course. he goes, "now i know you will fall in love with it the minute you hear him turn it on." hahahahaha. WHICH I DID. fucking muscle<333 =D anywaysss. so i drove all day. on highways, off ramps, merging into traffic on highways! and in wawa and acme parking lots (we all know how horrific they can be. lol). and even at night! =D ben was always so afraid of ever letting me drive at night. but he let me drive in the ice, rain, and snow. RIGHT. im not even delving into that subject because it will only ruin my mood. long story short. i wish i NEVER broke up with josh for him. the only happiness that came out of it was meeting kate and adam. theyre amazing. ANYWAYS. lol.
i keep getting mentally sidetracked cus im so overly tired even tho i just woke up. hahahaha. so my dad and i stayed up and watched blue collar comedy. then he went to bed. josh came over late cus he was DJ-ing all night. of course we didnt get to bed until like 3:30. hahahaha. and thats where the bite marks come in. i need to buy him some nose strips tho. he snores like a fucking freight train. LOL. we woke up, my mom let us go in the bedroom to go to sleep. we pretty much died for a few hours. LOL.honestly, ill never stop loving him. and if my one true love doesnt work out, then ill stay single the rest of my life. THATS how in love i am. sickening isnt it? =P and of course i had to go to church at 12 today looking like some sort of junkie cus i got NO sleep. lol. but yah. now tha ti blurted out all the useless hub-bub.
im fucking exhausted but i need to wait until my dad gets here. he got off work at 12 and is coming up here to sleepover. wooooooooot. MORE DRIVING TOMORRRRROW! =D
i have 5 cigarettes left. and when im done them, im done smoking. i quit. my mom and i are joining a gym at the end of the month. and i want to get healthier. i am SO no looking forward to getting bronchitis again when i stop, that shit sucked! lol.
and i just got an IM from mr.stever.
njsciontc: i guess your not talking to me anymore
THATS CORRECT. im done dealing with your bullshit. your lack of respect for people. and your self centered-ness. if one day you grow up and get over yourself, yes we can be cool again. and the funny part is. if i was still speaking to you. and if i didnt IM you back right away. you do that. if i were you i wouldnt call me dramatic or tell me to get over myself. have you noticed your basically always alone for a reason? your poor mother must be turning over in her grave cus of the way you act.


yipes.
but yes. i adore my life, karma, and everyone i am privileged to have in my life<3 =)
goodnight!

is it odd every time i hear a car go by with turbo or an aftermarket exhaust, i get such extreme chills. i cant wait to drive. my mom says i should get into the automotive field. i mean should i? advice would be tremendous on this subject. i really do feel a connection when im driving a car. or when im in the car while someone races. or when im around a car and someones working on it, i just want to understand every intricate piece. and like i said, when i hear that turbo kit, or exhaust. my body goes WILD. when steve brought back the tc, i almost had a nervous breakdown. thats the car it all started for me in. steve got me into cars and i thank him so much for it. i mean i kinda ALWAYS was. when my dad built his suburban engine from scratch when i was 10. i was outside in the garage watching him everyday. and i was ALWAYS super picky with my moms cars. hahaha. idk. it may just be a huge hobby.

so ive really come to some very interesting realizations.
my hair. was my bipolar coming out. i mean i must have been so incredibly manic. and im aloud to be every now and then. i just need to stop being so danm impulsive. so last night i dyed my hair again so i could start the process of getting it back to normal. cus if i put a normal color on it all, it would have turned NASTY cus of the green. so i put pinkish reddish on the whole thing. and it reminds me of berry berry kix. hahahha. pretty soon ill put red on it, get a hair cut and be back to "normal". i hate to say normal cus theres no such thing in my head. but i really do have to get a job soon. and get my life back on track.
it seems like everytime i start to get my life together. something happens that brings me back. but i need to be strong. in everything. i am WAY to dependent on my mom and all ive ever wanted was independence. but people tend to do what is easier. so yah. im SO DONE being a quitter.
a little list of things im done with.
-im done making the first move. makes me feel so slutty. (i am done courting and i want to be courted!)
-im done dying my hair these crazy colors impulsively and 'wanting to be noticed'. ive done too many things in life wanting to be noticed. i can be noticed in other ways. with a normal color hair, and being successful.
-IM DONE QUITTING AND GIVING UP EVERYTHING I START. it will get me no where in life. so if im having doubts about something. i wont even start it unless i KNOW i can finish it.

idk im rambling. but heres some pictures of my new hairrrr. hahaha.

( berry berry kixxxxxxxx! )

so today is a new day. i hate it when i have nights filled with negativity. i get so worked up in my head, my emotions. i literally have a nervous breakdown every now and then.
my mom banged something this morning around 6am and it made a really loud noise. i woke up startled and began to have a panic attack. ha. fuck that.
i love my conversations with steve.
its s0 groovynow: the word "orgasm" is just floating thru my head like a screensaver.
njsciontc: hahaha
random, yes i know. but it really is. i havent had sex in such a long time. and NOT having sex is so harddddddddd. especially for me. i want to wait until i find a guy that is truly worth it and wants to be with me in every way. which absolutely sucks because all i can think about is having a companion. but the whole sex thing. SO COMING UP A CLOSE SECOND. i need other interests. hahahaha.
i started playing guitar yesterday. im really excited to get better. i need to get a shower soon because my mom and i are going out to pursue some of my interests! i am going to go sign up for an art class at perkins, if available. and a kickboxing class. and if any of you have known me long. i have wanted to get into kickboxing since i was in 7th grade! haha. were also going to try and set me up for one online class at bcc. so i can intrigue my mind more. i need a sense of self worth.
i also really want a job. but if im doing all this, ill just wait for the job thing right now.
that reminds me. i really want to go to the columbus mart with my mom one of these weekends. were going to get a ton of shit together. rent a table, bring some tables. and sell a ton of our stuff. easy cash in my pocket.
and pretty much all this rambling leads me to a few statements.
-im selfish, i need to stop being so self centered. cus believe me. i notice it when i start to just yap,yap,yap about me. and its not good. i doubt modeling helped my ego. ha.
-i need to actually love myself before i can let anyone love me or love anyone else.
-i need to start doing productive things in my life because sitting in my teeny tiny little apartment is only making me sick.



good-day!
<3peace & love!!

i must say i kinda hate my life.

i love you and i hate you. and i hate myself. its like i know im somewhat desirable so whats with the conflict?
my creativity is actually getting blocked by the negatives vibes i feel coming from your way. even though your so far away. its like the power of me that you have. i want to strike it down with the weight of the world. with every lightning bolt and thunder crashing i want to send you down to the pit of hell. exactly where you belong.
you know a "friend" of mine called me immature. that i try and hurt other people when i feel hurt. i guess im a raging bitch then right?! not meant for human contact.
sometimes i long for that sweet innocent girl inside of me. and of course my mom is now telling me (as im actually getting my feelings out and doing something somewhat productive with me life) that i need to get off the computer.
so please, excuse me while i go stab myself for every lie ive ever committed and dabble on my guitar.
fuck me. fuck me. fuck me for wanting companionship.




i dont feel as if im worth anything without a boyfriend telling me i am. and so i state again, i hate my life.

anthony is coming over. and it excited me greatly. he is one of the only true friends i seem to have left. (besides these amazing, intelligent people from livejournal, i am given the chance to associate online with.) the conversations him and i have are unforgettable. i have not kissed him. we have hugged maybe twice. nothing romantic. but im not sure. he calls me his wife. ha. and i call him my husband. like we are going to take the world by storm one day. well i cant wait.

my dog likes cheese. and a lot of cheese. i agree with her when it comes to cheese. its quite amazing.

im having such a good eating day! i pat myself on the back! =) although my stomach is like. WHAT?! FOOD?!

did i mention anthony has the same phobia of vomitting that i do? and to the same degree i have it. hes my twin and husband all in one package! how delightful. =)


before my hair would blind people. =) were quite cute together. ha.





DID I MENTION I MISS JOSH AND BENJAMIN?! fuck meeeeeeee.

so antoinette and i made up. last night was amazing. i was vulgar and immature and i loved it. kelso has to be one of the most ridiculous girls i have ever associated myself with. hence why i have very little girls as friends. or even friends in general. i like to keep myself by myself. with just a few people.
so things that keep my happy?!


CHEESECAKE.



AND SMOKEY TREATS<3 =)


im done blabbering about nothing for nowwwwwwww =)

oh for the love of easter candy<333 =) i love my peeps. i could eat them all year round every single day and they wouldnt get old to me.
my hands look semi gross from the hair dying. i look like i have some sort of purple fungus. its actually quite comical =) so yes. my hair is amazing. here it is.
well actually heres a timeline. hahahaha.

before. im a dirty, grungy little boy.
hahahahahahaha.


first bleach.


oraaaaaaaaaaange!


yummmmy watermellon =)


bleh. lol.


i just love this picture.


side view.

then today veronica and i bleached it again. not the pink or the bottom dark part.


im a fuckin creep. =)


back view.


side view.


i enjoy how hideous i am. =)

so today with veronica was amazing. i missed her more than anything. i barely see her and we promised eachother thats going to change. heres to viva pinata, mouthwash in the shower, and hairdye<333 hahahah =) OH AND EASTER CANDY AND CAT NIP! =D

so babyboy and i are trying to work things out? i dont know. im going with the flow of things. im not attaching myself to anyone anymore. im doing my own thing. but its really good for me i guess. if im not attached to anyone. theres no getting hurt. theres no depression, anger or wanting to just curl up and die. yahhh i like the feeling called "happy", the best. =)